some questions on turning 26

I’m 26

I’m employed...

I secured the job after cracking a reasonably difficult interview process… (no fluke)

I hate my job, presently…

Wanted to write, Still want to write… will write… continue to write … even if it is only me who will read any of these again…

Wanted to dabble in music…

Have a guitar and a harmonica.

Wanted to learn them…

Still want to…

I’m wasting my time…

I think I’m wasting my time…

My mom says I'm wasting my time...

My mom thinks I am wasting my life...

I am not busy enough…

I’m not as busy as the others…

I think I should be involved in ‘world changing’ things…

I think I dropped my chance when I left the earlier job…

But I’m not sad about it… they did treat people like shit...

Time is flying…

The seconds are minutes, the minutes are hours and the hours are years….

It feels like I was born just yesterday...

No, I don't remember the moment I was born, neither did I feel it...

Now, I have a girlfriend…

We are battling with our families...

We don’t know whom we are fighting…

Both of us are tiring…

I’m preoccupied...

I'm stressed...

But, I’m free, without anything to do…

I can’t drive myself to do anything…

I ask myself… 'what is the point of doing anything?'

What is the point of living?

What is the point of smiling, or crying?

What is the point of thinking about anything at all?

What is the point of good or evil?

Is good good?

Is evil evil?

Who decides the good, who decides what is evil?

What is conscience?

What is right?

Why should I be right?

Why should I win arguments?

Why should I argue?

Why should my opinion matter?

Is there a truth in this world that is absolute?

What is ‘truth’?

What is absolute?

Is absolute, philosophical or scientific?

Is science better than theology?

Is theology science?

Why should we know things?

How is this life any better than the next?

How is it better than the one before?

How is this life any better knowing that?

Who defines better?

Why struggle?

Why wake up?

Why?

Who am I?

I am nobody..

I have no one…

I just have me, myself and my faculties…

I have everything and I have nothing….

this is wrong.. that is wrong... even that... ya that too...

What a shame..

What?

Nothing...human life seems to have no value these days..

Hmm

That too in third world countries like India, it matters even less..

True…

There was a blast… at gulf oil, Hyderabad

Oh!

Ya… and you know what eats me? I can list so many fires that would boil down to human negligence or inaction. Then, the blame game starts, which does a disservice to men even after they die. Really fed up! Are our lives that cheap? Corruption and selfishness are really the scourge of our nation. Install substandard systems in the name of saving money, end up saving money, route it to your pockets and slap the blame on a hapless intern when things go wrong.

Hmm.. I guess there is nothing that can be done by us, outraging..

No... I have really lost faith in humanity. Intelligence and craft are used more in securing favorable deals than to actually make anything of use. Fatalistic as we are, we assign everything to fate. “Poor guy he was destined to live only for 25 years”. “God takes away certain people from us at a young age”.” He was a very talented young man”. “Unfortunate incident”.  “Reached the lotus feet of the lord”. My foot!! If I had my way I would convict every damn fellow who passed up responsibility for it. It really is a pity.

But we are powerless no? What can you do? Can you really afford a crusade?

Bah! To see all this, I would rather smell the lotus feet. You know what? If you are a straight arrow but not a person of strong convictions, it is so easy to break you; not into corruption, but to slip you into the “stay away from the dirt” mentality. It really pains me… 

But if you investigate, everyone will have a reason for why something happened the way it happened. Say someone dies of methanol poisoning, after consuming spurious liquor, it has happened in the past right?

Ya

 A ten year old may ask.

“Why did he die pa?”

“because he drank”

“but you also drink..”

“he drank cheap liquor”

“Oh!”

You have shut him up for now, but you will know by now that this is not really a reason to die. You will wonder whether your reason is really credible. How is his life less valuable than mine… is your life only worth the price of good liquor?

Correct..

You might wonder now, “Who is responsible ?”

The politicians…

No no.. wait. There are law enforcement agencies, right?

In the pockets of politicians who have vested interests.

Really? Then what is the point of law enforcement? Isn’t this a gross dereliction of duty?

Hmm…

Say, I start investigating. The cop would say, the area doesn't fall under his jurisdiction, or, it was a new gang, or maybe not own up to responsibility but distract the public with indignant anger. “we shall catch these antisocial maniacs and mete out the highest punishment there is”

Hehe… you watch a lot of movies lately?

Hehe, ok you got me there. But, there is this truth of the whistleblowers, right?. The number of them who have lost their lives is always a reminder to people who raise their voices… The 10 y old, innocent self inside you, still asks you. “but, why should he die?”

You tell yourself “poor him, fate played a rough game.”

Yes.. and then you don’t hate the people who say those things too… because by now, you are numb to reality. The ten-year-old inside you who asked a simple question is taught that life is very complicated.

But it is simple isn’t it? Even I have wished a lot of times that I had never grown up.